This is a question I’ve been pondering a lot lately.

You see, I’ve been told this my entire life. I remember being thirteen, sitting in a purity class conference. There were at least fifty other kids in the room, of all ages. I was so excited to be there, being the youngest in the room. I felt older, more mature. I was finally included.

A man stood up on the stage with a microphone and held up a pink paper heart. “This is your heart!” He declared, and then he ripped it right down the middle. “And this is what happens when you don’t let God guard your heart.”

I sat, my notebook in my lap, my shoulders tight. I did not want to let that happen to my heart. But, it begged the question…

How was I supposed to let God guard my heart?

The Problem With Purity

It isn’t wrong to tell kids that they need to let God guard their hearts. I mean, it’s scripture, after all. The problem arises when we don’t explain or expand upon what that means. My working theory? The guy standing up on the stage didn’t really understand what it meant—not truthfully.

For a long time, I thought guarding my heart just meant that I wasn’t supposed to sleep with anyone before marriage. That I wasn’t supposed to be a floozy and that I just needed to be “pure”. But how I (and many others) were using the statement was straight-up Christianese. We say these words, these statements, and we sound super spiritual and have a basic understanding of what it means, but to anyone who isn’t raised in the church, we’re talking absolute nonsense. It begs the question.

Do we really understand what we’re even saying?

I’ve had three relationships in my life, all of which have ended with me breaking it off. It’s given me three opportunities to ask God some serious questions. Three relationships mean I have three opportunities for God to teach me a little something new about how he designed other people. Three opportunities for me to learn more about God and his character.

How do you guard your heart while you’re in a relationship?

At first, I thought it was really simple. Don’t step over any physical or emotional boundaries, and you’ll be fine. But then my first relationship came and ended, and I found myself wallowing in deep heartache. I thought I’d failed, and somehow, somewhere, I’d crossed a physical or emotional boundary without realizing, and was therefore guilty of impurity.

But God taught me that, no, sometimes things just don’t work out. It doesn’t mean you did anything wrong or sinful. It just means it didn’t work, and that’s okay. In that relationship, I worked overtime to protect my heart. I had so many demands, so many rules for myself (and him) because I was striving to protect my own heart.

Lesson 1: No amount of specific rules or guidelines will lead you to the perfect path to guarding your heart.

I needed to chill. Seriously. I was so scared of breaking a boundary or crossing a line, of disappointing God and myself, that I wore myself out, striving to control every little thing that I could. It was exhausting.

Cut to half a year later, and I’m ending my second relationship. This time, I’d been way less stressed. I still had boundaries, but I was open to seeing if God wanted to do a new thing. I was terrified, of course, but I wanted to trust God.

Lesson 2: You can’t protect your own heart. Why? It belongs to God.

I knew I needed to break up with boyfriend #2. He’d lied about some pretty serious things. It hurt. I remember thinking, “Man, I’m almost twenty-six. I’ll never find somebody like this…and my heart still hurts.”

I stood in my kitchen, and realized…I had no idea how to protect my own heart. So, I asked God to teach me. Suddenly, it was like the ceiling broke open and the Holy Spirit fell down, surrounding me completely and totally. It was an overwhelming experience. I fell to my knees. It was so strong that I burst into tears.

“Your heart is mine,” God said. “Let me guard it. Trust me to protect it. It’s mine to guard and protect.“

It was a very big “Duh, Alli!” moment. I even slapped my forehead for good measure.

This leads me to the latest lesson I’ve learned. Now that I was trusting God to guard my heart, I was looking to see what that actually meant. I didn’t focus so much on the rules and regulations. I didn’t take every interaction I had with my next boyfriend under a microscope to see what his secret intentions were.

I just…let it flow. Naturally, and without putting too much stress on it. Old habits die hard, so there were definetly moments when I felt anxious, but overall…I let myself enjoy his company. I let myself relax and have some fun. After each date, I talked with God, and I asked him what he thought.

Through the whole relationship, while we had fun and did a bunch of cool things (like book events together, axe-throwing, and eating a ton of sushi), there was this lingering feeling that I didn’t know everything I needed to know about this guy. When I asked God if I could kiss him, the answer was no…I didn’t know enough yet. So I waited—and I’m so glad I did. Because it turned out that this guy wasn’t pursuing God in the same way that I was. We weren’t equally yolked and our core values didn’t actually align.

There’s this whole thing about the guy wooing the girl. For a long time, that’s what I thought it would be like when a guy earned my heart. I thought I had to feel safe with him. I have to know he walks with God. I have to know him really really well. Those are all good things, mind you, but it’s not actually what guarding your heart means.

Lesson 3: For a guy to get to my heart, he first has to go through Jesus.

I broke off the relationship, and the next Sunday, as I was worshiping Jesus during morning service, it hit me. Jesus had my heart—so all the affection, all the attention, the gifts, all of it…it didn’t matter. Because if a guy was going to earn the right woo me, to get a chance at holding my heart…he had to go through Jesus. Not me!

Each guy that I’ve dated has had the opportunity to win my heart. But even as I’m writing this, I’m wondering…will any guy besides Jesus have the chance to hold my heart? Or is that a right that only will ever belong to God? I guess I still have a few lessons to learn here.

Regardless…Jesus holds my heart. If a guy wants even a shot at winning me over, he needs to go through Jesus to get to it. You can’t go through Jesus unless you have a relationship with him. You can’t go through Jesus unless your focus is on him.

And you can’t have a relationship with Jesus if you’re bogged down by rules and religion.

There is no one “right” way to do relationships.

Because relationships are all different. Jesus is the only consistent thing in this world. So, if you want him to guard your heart? First, you gotta ask him. Tell him. Then?

Then your everything needs to be focused on God. You need to pursue Jesus like today is your last day on Earth. You must fall in Love with Christ first.

Having God guard your heart isn’t just about avoiding sex. It’s not just about having those rules and regulations to make sure you stay pure. It’s so much more, and so much better than that.

Having God guard your heart is walking with Jesus every day and trusting Him to guide you…and really…outside of all the relationships and the crushes and boyfriends or girlfriends…isn’t that how you want to be living your life anyways? Wholly focused on God?

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As a writer, you can’t help but pour part of your heart into your work. It’s a natural result. What is in you is what comes out. I’m so thankful that Jesus is who is in me. Can you find him in my latest book, Call It Consequences? 😉

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