People suck

That’s a fact that I don’t need to prove to you—you already know it. Just take one look at the burning hell-hole we call the Internet and it’ll be confirmed. So what if Jesus died for them? One of them created black licorice, which is a sin no cross can blot out.

The problem is that there are people everywhere! If you’re not careful, sooner or later, you’ll be asked to hang out, to bring a dish to the after-church potluck. They’ll call you up, invite you to game days, check up on you, and even worse, pray over you. Who wants that?

So here are three ways to keep yourself safe and away from people

1. Don’t tell anyone what you’re going through.

You have a reputation to uphold, after all! What would people say if they found out what you were going through? Probably something mean to you. And even if they didn’t, there’s no way they could relate to or understand you. In the history of human suffering, you’re the only one who has ever gone through a hard time.

Opening up would accomplish nothing. It wouldn’t encourage others to be brave and share their own struggles, and it wouldn’t make you feel better to get it off your chest. Besides, if someone knew what you were going through, they might try to support you with a hug or an encouraging word—which wouldn’t fix your problems, so what’s the point?

That’s why it’s super important to bottle everything up, nice and tight. If you never share what’s going on in your head, you never have to go through the horrifying ordeal of being known!

2.  Be busy all the time.

If you say ‘yes’ when people ask you to hang out, you’ll give them the idea that you’re a nice person. Eventually, whether you intended it or not, they’ll grow fond of you simply because of the time you’ve spent with them. People are comfortable with what’s familiar—so you want to be anything but.

 People are also selfish. They like it when you say yes because it feels like, by some weird extension, you’re saying yes to them as a person.

If you say no as many times as possible, that feels like a rejection, and eventually, they’ll stop asking you so that they stop feeling rejected.

3. Don’t help anyone. Ever.

The worst thing you can do is make yourself useful to people. If you go and do something like that, they’ll feel indebted to you and then they’ll never leave you alone. Serving others is the best way to let someone know you care—which you obviously don’t. Remember, kids, Jesus loved them, so you won’t have to.

Now, lots of things can be seen as helpful, so here’s a list to keep your eye out for. Absolutely do not do any of the following: Pray with them, give them food, sit and listen to them, show up with a good attitude, make them laugh, do something for them on their to-do list, or hug them.

A lot of these things seem like the bare minimum because they are, so stay on guard! It’s unfortunately easy to ease the burden of life for someone, if just for a brief moment, and that’s the last thing we want.

Hopefully, by following these three easy steps, you can be as lonely as ever! You can stay, cooped up in your house, scrolling on the internet and wrestling with the moral complexities of life without ever being bothered again.

What’s your favorite way to push people away?  


Now that you’re horribly and desperately alone, you’ve got a lot of free time! Fill it with reading a short story I wrote!

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