I’m not just talking about this because I want an excuse to wear short-shorts. Or because I want to go around half-naked at the beach.

I’m talking about this because I discovered a deeper, personal relationship with Christ once I understood the lies that I grew up believing, and I want to share that with you, too!

There’s a big problem, one that I’ve been sort of talking around. Sometimes talking about this feels like defusing a bomb. It’s taken me a long time to get through this series (and I hope you’ve found it helpful). I’m taking my time because I want to check back with God; I want to make sure I’m talking about it in the right way and not from a place of anger or guilt, but from a place of freedom and love for my Savior, love for his people.

Today I want to talk about how so many of the rules and teachings of being pure are actually about separating you from God.

The Future Husband/Wife

Let’s start with an example. Growing up, a lot of the purity conversation comes back to this idea of your future husband/wife.

“Don’t wear that, you want to attract a good future husband.”

“Don’t kiss before marriage, because you don’t want to have that connection with anyone but your future husband.”

It all came back to the future spouse.

Can I pose a question to this?

Why is it all centered on your future spouse who may or may not exist, instead of focused on a very real Jesus who wants a very real relationship with you?

Here’s the big issue. Purity culture, with these mindsets, turns your focus, devotion, and attention to an imaginary figure rather than to Jesus. That’s not purity. That’s idol worship.

The letters of the heart

I was encouraged to write letters to my future husband as a teenager. This isn’t a bad thing, by itself. But these letters were supposed to be sacred. They were supposed to be for his eyes only. It was an exciting thing to think about as a teenager, and I poured my heart and soul into these letters.

I told this future husband about everything. When I was sad, I’d often write these letters. When I was lonely, too.

Why wasn’t I encouraged to tell those things to God? Why wasn’t I told I should write a letter to Jesus?

Instead of being told not to wear something for an imagined, maybe-real, maybe-not person, why aren’t we asking our girls what Jesus thinks?

This is just one example of one of the damaging ideals we’re taught. I could go into so many of the different lessons I was taught that, instead of turning my focus to Christ, turned my focus on shame. Instead of leading me to the grace and goodness of God, led me further into doing things on my own, striving to prove that I was enough and good.

Purity Culture cuts a real relationship with Christ out of the picture.

It’s not just about the legalism, and “Oh, darn, I’m trying to earn my salvation again.” Legalism is keeping you separate from God. It puts a wall down, draws a line in the sand, and says, “Nope! I’m doing this on my own. You? Stay over there, Jesus. We don’t want you or what you have to say here. We can be righteous, we can be saved, on our own.”

Why? Because when God gets involved, crazy stuff usually happens. When Jesus has a real relationship with you, you might actually have to change instead of just following a list of rules and checking off a box. When you’re honest and vulnerable and intimate with God, he might point out a way that you need to grow that isn’t at all about the length of your shorts or how you never kissed anyone.

He might convict you. He might tell you that you aren’t perfect, and never will be. He might point out your character, your pride, your judgment.

But the biggest thing we miss when we use legalism to make ourselves feel better instead of actually going to God, is what comes after the conviction. After realizing your flesh won again. Because Jesus didn’t stay in the tomb, and neither do you. Because after realizing that yes, you aren’t perfect, and never will be, you realize that’s exactly why Jesus died for you.

Come back to your first love. Whisper secrets to Jesus. Tell him honestly what you’re afraid is wrong with you, and then listen for his response.

So often, the purity conversation focuses on everything but actual purity.

Being pure doesn’t only mean saving yourself for marriage, though that is good and something God calls us to do. Being pure is so much more than just your virginity. Being pure is 100% devotion to God. It’s focus on Jesus over the things of this world.

If you’re dressing yourself modestly because you want to attract a good husband over your desire to dress modestly for Jesus, you’re not being pure.

If you’re following the rules to save yourself and prove yourself to be a good human and earn your salvation, over your desire to be obedient to Christ because you love him, you’re not being pure.

You can do a bunch of good things on paper, and yes, those are generally good things…but if your heart is for those things over Jesus, guess what? That isn’t purity.

So many of our rules for being pure come from a focus on the wrong thing, and that’s why those teachings are harmful.

I shouldn’t dress modestly because I want to attract the right man, or because my belly button should only be seen by my future husband, or because I might tempt a brother to lust. I should dress modestly because my heart is for Jesus.

I shouldn’t save myself for marriage because the guy might drop me, or I’ll get a soul-tie and ruin my intimacy with my future husband, or because I’m harming my soul, to be forever dirty in the eyes of God. I should save myself for marriage because I want to be obedient to what God has called me to do, because I love Christ with everything in me.

So often, we humans do this thing where we create a list of rules to follow that look really good on paper, but actually do something pretty dangerous. It removes the need to talk to God, to have a real, genuine relationship with him. That’s what God cares about most—more than you making sure your shorts are the right length, or making sure you are PURE™.

He loves you. He wants a relationship with you. That’s the truth, and that should be the start of our conversation with purity.

Let me leave you with a final question…do you love God? Like, really love Him? Is your heart ignited for him?

That’s where the purity talk should start. That’s where we need to start. Do we really love God the way he deserves to be loved?